knightblade's Blog

Hey,

Happy Birthday, Meg. You are now 18. We used to talk about that - what it would mean. You thought it would make all the difference in the world. 18 - now an adult. You are now an official "adult" who can make her own decisions and choices (as long as your parents approve of them still lol).

I remember two years ago, finding you walking along the side of the road, upset. It was your 16th birthday and no one had remembered. I felt so heart broken for you. I wish we could have brought you with us and taken you out to dinner but that surely wasn't allowed. Nope. Instead, I insisted on buying you a gift - do you remember what it was? Do you still have it? 

Well, I hope today goes much better for you than that birthday did. I wish I could give you a gift today but that's not to be so it will have to wait a couple of months. Know that I am thinking of you and hoping everything is perfect for you today. Take care of yourself, Meg. I miss you.

Your Friend,

Rick

Watching V on ABC right now. I've seen the original and read the book. So, I already know what is going to happen, but it's interesting to see this adaptation.

Anyway, the question that I come up with is what would we do? What would I do if Aliens really did show up. Would we question them if they offered to share their technology, heal some diseases that we thought were incurrable. I would hope that we as a species would still be on guard - but even then...what could we do?

If a space traveling species came to our planet, really, what could we do? They would definitely have superior technology - probably enough so to make ours seem like stones and arrows.We would be pretty much defenseless.

Don't get me wrong, I have always dreamed of traveling the universe.  We just are not prepared to deal with for such an encounter as much as we have so many movies about aliens visiting our planet.

Most of my dreams I place into my dream blog/journal whatever you want to call it. Tonight's though...

There are dreams and then there are Dreams. Most of the time, when I dream, it's in third person - I watch events that take place. Sometimes that involves me watching myself - other times it's just other people. Only very rarely do my dreams switch into first person - where everything seems real and you can actually feel things and experience them (lucid dreaming). Dreams like this make me sit up and pay attention because they are so rare. My very first experience dreaming I've blogged here about somewhere - but it really was the defining moment of my life. In that dream I met my Twin Flame. That was some 23 years ago, when I was 10. Ever since that day, I've been on a quest to find her. From time to time I dream of her - never the same dream twice, but I know it's her because all of a sudden the dream "changes". I start to feel things as if I were actually in the dream - she's never the same twice either (as if these are all past memories from other lives) but I always know it's her.

Recently, I thought I had found my Twin Flame. My heart said "She's the One." We were so similar in thought, in feeling, in action. When we embraced, it was as if I had finally found something that had been missing out of my life - I felt whole again. She told me she felt the same way. We had a very hard time understanding this connection we had because while it wasn't a physical relationship, there were definitely feelings of wanting to always be together between us.

Things happened that tore us apart - lies were said, fear was embraced by my Twin. It's been 10 months since last I saw or spoke with her and every day feels like agony to me. I don't know what to expect when I see her again in three months time. 

Last night, I had a dream. For the past 9 months, all my dreams have been about her, but the haven't really been lucid. Soul wrenching, yes -- lucid, no. Last night, my wife and I talked about my Twin Flame. It was hard for her to understand the concept - she still doesn't. She understands I feel this strong Love towards my TF but doesn't quite understand what that means and I didn't have the words to help her understand - it's really not something one can understand until it happens to them -- it's life altering. But, we talked and she told me some of what she knew was going on with my TF since I can't have any contact with her. It made me wonder and question. Was this really my TF? My heart and soul tell me yes. But I know there is a small shred of doubt there. I don't know if it's that I'm hoping it's not her because if it is, I've lost her and I need some hope that my real TF is still out there.

So, I dreamt last night. For the first time in about a year, my dream was lucid and I saw her (Not the person who I believed was my TF but Her). She hugged me and held me tight and told me it was ok - everything would be ok. After waking up, I remembered a dream I had had back when I first met the person I thought to be my TF. In that dream, I was surrounded by a group of people - former coworkers of mine. One of them, a woman (call her J), was a friend. They were confronting me about Meagan (the girl I thought was my TF). They were upset with me and I kept looking at J but she wouldn't meet my gaze. I remember thinking that this was odd, I don't lucid dream unless She is here - but I didn't see Her anywhere. But, everytime my eyes kept coming back to J because I felt a deep hurt there as if I had hurt her. Eventually J got up and walked behind me and left and the dream left it's lucid state. I felt as though it was Her. That she had been masking herself in my dreams because she didn't talk she only listened as if she were using the other people in my dreams to find out what was going on.

Now, I'm extremely confused. I don't know what to believe anymore. Have I been mislead by this girl, meagan, who I thought was my TF? There are doubts there but those doubts also want to make me cry because of the implications. I just don't know. I still feel a very very close connection to Meagan but at the same time, I think my heart is prepared for her to tell me to go away - that she just lied to me all along. I don't want to be wrong about her though. I do love her unlike any other. She changed my life, my way of thinking and brought me closer to God and yet...I just don't know. I would die for this girl. How could I love her so much, so deeply if she weren't my TF? 

Confused.

I haven't blogged in a while.

This is an unusual blog for me but I just read about N.C. having to set free about 20 convicts who had recieved life sentences due to an older N.C. law stating life sentences to be 80 years in length. The reason I'm writing this is because of one of the comments a sheriff made in the article.

"We have to hope these inmates have been reformed."

WHAT?! HOPE?! Oh, come off it. We all know that prison DOES NOT nor WILL NOT ever have any reformational characteristics in its modern day form. We stick criminals all in one place - treat them as the worst of the worst in society (which unfortunately, they are usually - there are exceptions) and provide them with no psychological treatment and EXPECT them to becoem "model citizens". Give me a break. The only thing prison will do is make these people more bitter and hateful towards society. You cannot expect to reform someone without providing them oportunities for growth and learning.

Now, I know some prisons and some states do try to do this. I always thought prisoners who got degrees while in prison were a waste of tax payer money. But, now that I am older, I think it's a vital solution. I would much rather a prisoner come out of prison with a set of skills that they can apply to find themselves a new job so that they don't have to resort to crime.

What about Murderer's, Rapists, Drug Dealers? Well, mental and physical counselling - REFORM, actually needs to take place. We can't expect someone with deep psychological problems to be reformed through "time" alone.

Much of our society's problems comes from a disconnect. As our community grows, we no longer know who is in it. We don't know that our next door neighbor may have lost his job and needs some help. We don't know that the person we just passed on the street is thinking about suicide. It used to be that a community would support all the members in that community. If someone's house burned down, they had a barn raising - they provided food, blanket, clothing, shelter. Much of that responsibility towards one another has disappeared as we have grown and become more mobile. Why do you think social networking sites are such a huge draw? People are craving that connection and not finding it in day to day life. Why do you think I am here?

As for the prisoner's being released, I too hope they are able to live productive, meaningful lives. I hope that they have found that reason to do so within themselves because we certainly didn't provide it to them.

I've always loved the quote "If enough people belive, a thing can be made to exist." It was in one of Frank Herbert's Dune novels. I've always taken this to heart because I am a dreamer and a believer. This quote is so true if you stop to "think" about it. Man couldn't fly until believed it was possible around the turn of the century and you had tons and tons of people trying to invent a flying machine. Going to the moon required the combined focus of our entire nation to achieve. Ending racism - Mr. Luther King's speech drew millions of people to Washington D.C. Curing cancer - while there is no "cure" yet, how many breakthroughs have been made? AIDS while still terminal is now a liveable disease because it was brought to the attention of millions through the efforts of numerous musicians. If enough people believe we can accomplish something, we can.

The reason I'm blogging about this is because I just read Dan Brown's latest book, The Lost Symbol. In it he talks about a new field of science called Noetics. HOLY COW. Now, I know not everything is true but the concept of Noetics is not a new one and there are scientists working on this stuff - that human thought actually has a physical impact on the world around us. What you think affects reality. Amazing. The effect is usually minimal and hardly measurable - if even noticed until large amounts of people start believing. One drop of water may not be much but a million drops could have an impact - how about a billion? If enough people believe, a thing can be made to exist.

I posted the dream part of this to my dream journal but wanted to write about my feelings here:

It seems I cannot get you out of my mind, though I try. You just keep coming back and each time reopening wounds.

Tonight, you were in my dreams. For whatever reason we were at school and everyone (including you) were practicing for the musical. You were doing Cabaret. I was upstairs in the music room listening to this wonderful music - you were practicing the title song and for some reason, I had to go down to the gym to help with the rehearsal. My heart started to fill with dread. I didn't want to go down and yet, I wanted to at the same time. So, as in dreams, I go down. Phew - you weren't there. So, I watch the practice, I turn to the back of the gym to go back up to the music room and there you were, sitting on the floor. I don't know why, but I didn't expect you to be there...didn't want you to be there. You saw me and we just "avoided" one another - pretending as if we didn't see the other person there. I left. Dream over.

Why??????

Why do you insist on haunting my dreams?

It's such a torment...you. Why do I feel so confused about you? I know I love you. I know you are my Twin. Hell, you confessed as much to me. Yet, here I am, without you. I don't know what you think or how you feel. 

The worst part is this - you tear me in two. Half of me wants nothing more than to be with you and love you. The other half just wants to get away and forget you and by doing so forget all this agony. I dread going shopping because I fear that every corner I turn around - you could be there. I don't think I can quite accurately describe that fear to you - it's the kind that makes you want to cry, faint, and just turn to the reaper and say, please, take me now because I don't know if I can stand what I'm about to experience. Do you get that? Do you realize how much pain I've gone through over you? and yet...I want you back. You have forever changed me and knowing you,  loving you has forever left a scar on my heart that I fear will never heal.

I sit here, having just read a reply to a message I sent. I expected the reply to be what it was - I actually expected much worse, yet, it was still the reply I knew was coming--that doesn't change the fact that there was hope.

There are waves washing over me, figurative waves. Coldness - heat - coldness. Each wave, washing away my feelings, washing away my empathy, washing away my caring - leaving behind and empty, cold-hard, rocky shell. Yet, a void cannot exist without being filled. And I know what is waiting to be poured into this shell - I can feel it - hovering at the edge, clawing at the ramparts.

Destruction, devestation, anger, apathy...too give in...to open the gates to these emotions - to let them run savagely over my heart and mind - to let them wipe from existance hope, love, caring, kindness....it would be easy and I know, it's all I want to let happen right now. To allow myself this new emotion to fill me to take away the pain that I've been experiencing for so long. To not care anymore. I want that so badly. Surprisingly more than anything else right now. I don't want to feel anything but complete disdain and hate for everything around me - I want to wrap it around me like a blanket and take comfort in it's recklessness.

I shake feeling that power. I want to let it in but I know...if I do, that who I am will be gone forever. Yet - even now, I don't care about that. I care about nothing right now and I suppose...I have opened up the gates because as I write this I feel a new resolve forming within me. A desire to not allow anyone close ever again, to turn m back on everything and everyone who has ever betrayed or abandoned me (all but one). FUCK YOU ALL.

I am Don Quixote de la Mancha. I Dream the Impossible Dream. And like Don Miguel, I once tried to cast off what the world had made me - what I had allowed the world to make me. I even found my Dulcinea. Who came to love me for who I was - who accepted Don Quixote. Yet, eerily, like in the story, the evil Wizard came with his illusions and destroyed me. Destroyed Don Quixote by saying - THIS IS NOT REAL. Poor Dulcinea...she did not know what to believe. Should she believe in this person she had come to know as Don Quixote or believe the Wizard, that here before her was a man who had fallen into madness. Sadly, like Don Quixote, we both fell before the power of the Wizard. Yet, though the wizard believes victory is there's - deep within my heart, Don Quixote still lives and he still searches for his Dulcinea. He still searches for his Lady who will accept him for who he truly is - even if his Dream is madness - at least it's a gentle madness - a loving madness. There is a line in the show that rings so true. The padre says "Let us hope that cure is no worse than the disease". I have hope though...that one day, Don Quixote shall rise once more - that one day, he shall find his true Dulcinea and with her at his side, experience many great adventures.

-----------

It is sad that in this day and age, honor....nobility....chivalry - all great things are now treated as nothing. We all pay lip service to such things but the truth is, we live in an age of distrust. How many women say they want chivalry but really, I don't think so. Many people say they are looking for their knight in shining armor but yet, they don't really want that. There are Knights out there. There are those of us who believe in such things as I have just spoken of. They exist here on EP - I've seen many men here like me - who believe. Yet, only once did I ever meet someone who really allowed her to treat her as a knight treats a Lady. But, then again, she too, ended up believing others over her Knight and stopped believing in the Dream.

Perhaps, one day, like Aldonza, she too will come back and finally embrace that dream and believe in not only Don Quixote de la Mancha, but also in Dulcinea.....or perhaps it will be somone else who takes this knight's hand and accepts him for who he truly is. In any event, I hope it won't be too late. I hope that there is someone out there that BELIEVES as I do that a man still can be a Knight even in this day and age and that she can be a Lady and is not afraid to Dream the Impossible Dream. I search for Her.

To Dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To Bear with unbearable sorry

To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong

To love, pure and chaste from afar,

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my Quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without Question or pause

To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause

And I know, If i only be true

To this glorious quest

That my heart will lie peaceful and calm

when I am laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this

That one man scorned and covered with scars

Still strove with his last ounce of courage

To reach the unreachable Stars!

So,

I'm sitting here, freaking out and at the same time feeling compeletely overwhelemed, distraught, and all together down. I just want to go to bed.

I just posted a little bit about sharing something with someone here. The sharing came easy. Much easier than I had expected. I had expected to feel a lot of pain, anxiety and tears as I wrote my story. I was therefore, quite shocked when I didn't hurt afterwards like I expected. Little did I know, it was just a delayed reaction. Now, everything I wrote is coming back on me and the memories are flooding back in and I just want to talk to Her. Yet, I can't. I just want to go to her and ask her to forgive me. Yet I can't. I just wish she and I could be friends again. The urge to contact Her is so great and yet, impossible to give in to. So, I sit here and suffer.

I'm sorry, I'm talking about two people here. One I shared a very long story about another I love. Now, it's Friday and I have to suffer through the weekend, pretending "I'm ok". Waiting to hear back from my friend. So here I sit and try to get my mind off of both things and failing miserably.

I met a friend on here. It was quite by accident. I didn't know she would end up being someone I trusted. We talked off and on, getting to know one another as you would any other stranger. I believe in cosmic accidents. I was - am still am - constantly amazed out how we seem to have such similar view points. I know that psychological, we try to find similarities when talking to someone new, to establish new bonds to hold people together when the not so similar stuff starts to break through. Anyway...

Today, I shared with her a very very long story about my life. About who I was and some of the things that had happened to me. These are things I haven't shared with anyone and don't even dare to share here - where there tends to be complete anonymity.

My story was quite long and I'm not sure if I did it justice. I want to go back and change it or keep adding it because I want it to be right. I want her to know the absolute truth of what happened. I don't know why - I really don't know her all that well. It just seemed, I needed to share all of this with her. I wanted to be truthful and honest with her. I only hope, once she finishes reading that massive entry (book), that she will not be too overwhelmed. I hope she will understand and I think I'm hoping that she will be able to help me with the problems I've been struggling with. Why she should or would, I don't know, but I hope for it.

They say, the truth will set you free. In my experience, most people run from the truth, no matter what it is. They ran from Columbus. They ran from Newton...Galileo...anything that shakes a persons fundamental beliefs, they tend to draw back from. I don't think my revelation was as scary in concept as it was in just sheer massive quantity. It took me 3 1/2 hours to write it all down and I still think it's incomplete/doesn't reveal everything. I want to message her and tell her that. But, I've learned the hard way, somethings, you just got to let go and if it's meant to be, it will happen. I also learned; I HATE waiting.

Knowing me is easy. Knowing ME is really difficult.

As most EP members would agree: Life Sucks.

I feel as though I am some kind of criminal. My last year of teaching, thankfully, I started my Associates in Information Technolgy and got my degree. Then, I lost my teaching job along with my certification. I'm not going to hash it out again, I've done so in the past....I am still angry and pissed off about how everything happened with that though...don't trust lawyers. k?

Anyway, so having taught music for nine years. Having spent five years prior in college to become a music teacher...well, it was what I loved to do, what I was good at, and what I was qualified to do. As I said, thankfully I got my Associates Degree in Information Technology. yet - in this job market - it's a piece of shit degree. I can't find a job that I am qualified for and I can't go back to teaching because of what happened. Don't get me wrong, I would if I could. But, here I am, having spent the entire morning looking for jobs and well, I'm just completely crushed/defeated by life. I don't feel as though I'm qualified for anything and all I want is to have a job. A point in my life.

Perhaps I can find work as an evil genius...

First, sorry for the absence. I know some of you have messaged me and I haven't responded. I will. I just haven't been on EP lately. I guess I was trying something new...trying to forget someone.  My last time here, I had written a song - which was good. But since then, I haven't gone back to it. I guess I still don't feel that urge/need as much as I did. Odd, how something that was so important for all of my life, something that I enjoyed for as long as I can remember, no longer has any joy for me. Playing piano was an outlet for me and I just don't have the desire in me to use it.

I guess it's depression -- what a seriously hideous disease. I'm not on meds though I probably should be. But I don't want to be. I know I'm depressed - can't really blame me after everything that happened - but I don't want the stigma or even to admit I'm depressed. It's so debilitating. I hate it but yet, I don't do anything about it. Combine that with a lack of trust for people and I'm not in a good place right now. 

(non-sequitar (sp)). I tried to let go, tried to get her out of my mind. I can do it. I can let go yet there is a price to be paid for doing so. That price is giving up. Giving up on everything - hopes, dreams, motivation. I let go and I find myself sitting here wondering what I am doing and feeling no need to do anything. No necessity to follow any dreams. No reason to do anything. Just wanting to give up. Because. when I let go, I let go of the magic. I let go of the dreams. I think living in pain and still having dreams and hopes - even though they may fail- is preferably to letting go and giving up. Willl things ever work out between the two of us again? No, probably not. I've kind of come to a point where I'm resigned that things will not be as they should have been. It's hard to let dreams slip away. Yet, I'm not going to forget the love. I'll never forget that or what she has done to me. You may think that all this pain and torment would cause so much hatred towards its source but I can't find any hate in me for her. I can't do it.

I do wish one thing though, as odd as it may seem. I want to say I wish it hadn't been her -- but that would convey the wrong message. I wish that she had been stronger and less frightened by her feelings. In truth, we both were scared, yet I believed. I was ready to accept what was being offered to us. I say offered, because it was unlike anything I had ever felt before. Sure, you could say it's just the brain chemicals but it was more than that. It was divine. Not to get too religious on  you because I'm not a church type person - but this is how it felt. Two souls calling out to one another. I know. I know. It sounds crappy romance novel trash like. But, as I've said, I've never met or felt this way about anyone else - and neither had she as she told me countless times. Even crazier is that this feeling wasn't about any sort of physical need. It was just a needing to be near one another. But, as I said, I wish it hadn't been her. I wish it could have been someone who wasn't afraid of that feeling and could have openly and honestly accepted it instead of running from it....done is done and can't be undone.

So, I'll never forget that feeling and I've got to hope, I've got to believe that there may be someone else out there. I've got to hold onto that feeling and love because without it, there is no point.

Which is why I need to get away. I need to get away from everyone who knows me. I've got to get away from all these painful reminders of what happened - not just with her - but with everything that happened. I can't deal with it anymore. I need to start over and find who I am again because I feel as though I've been dropped from reality. .That this neat little package of who I was is not the same as the me that I feel I am now. There's a disconnect there and I need to figure out....life.

I hope that I will find a reason to live again. I hope I will find a reason to love again. The hardest part is going to be leaving my daughter and I got to do everything in my power to make sure she is ok. She needs to know that I still love her even though I'm no longer able to be there for her...*tears*...and that kills me. It's the only reason I'm still here. ...sometimes, I think dying would be easier for her to accept than my leaving.  No, I don't want to die and I'm not going to commit suicide. But, if you truly think about it, dying is easier for people to accept than someone just leaving.

I'm so torn over this that I'm paralyzed between staying and leaving. I make no effort in any direction though in my heart I want to leave. I'm not some deadbeat dad. I WILL NOT! be one of those fathers who just abandons their daughter and responsibilities. If I could take her with me I would in an instant - no question about it. Yet, I know that can't happen. I know it wouldn't be right for her. I know that she will have a lot more support here than whereever I end up because she has friends/grandparents here. Whatever happens, I will not be out of her life. I will always make sure that in whatever way I can, I will be there for her and make sure that she knows that I love her. I just hope, one day, she will be able to understand and can forgive me.

...I'm a mess of tears right now...one sec...

Sorry. I didn't mean to come on here and end up crying...seems though, that's all I do.

...

When I started this update, I was going to talk about my cousin who finally emailed me back today. My cousing is six days younger than me. We were very close growing up from what I was told and the pictures my parents had of the two of us. I've always felt this deep connection with her for some reason. When I was five, we moved away. It wasn't until last April that I saw her again, after 28 years. Growing up, my parents had one of the multiple picture frames on our wall. There was a picture of her and I that is etched into my mind. We are standing back to back as kids. Same age (4 or 5) and she's nearly a foot taller than me. I'm glad I caught up though :D  I don't know why I develop these deep connections but I do and I think I'm weird for it. I don't develop "casual" relationships. I am either going to let you in or I'm not. It's got to be some sort of attachment disorder..digressing. Anyway, I've always felt strongly towards her - no not sexually, more like that of siblings/twins. I don't know why but if I think about it now, that...committment (?)...no, devotion is more appropriate a word, drives me. So, seeing her after 28 years, it was amazing to find that she had missed me and still loved me as well. It was strange how it still existed. I didn't expect it. I was expecting things to be kind of stiff and formal, hell, I was scared. Yet, she came right in, gave me a big hug and said how she had missed me. It was very good. By the end of the night, we were as close as ever. ((I know some sickos are going to read that sexually...grr)). I don't think I can ever reveal any of my feelings for her to her though. She wouldn't understand and would probably misinterpret them. I used the term devotion before but there is something about adore I like too. I guess, you could think of me as a dog to its master. There are very very few people I would do anything for. I think the current count is 3. She's one of them. 

So, she finally emailed me today. :D it will be the highlight of my day. It may be the one ray of sun in all this gloom and doom. Can I just ignore reality? 

Got to get daughter off the bus in about 5 minutes but wanted to share this.

I sat down at the piano today, after nine months and was able to write a song. Course, it was a love song and I got some lyrics to fill in, but the melody is all there and ready to go. Sadly, no one will ever really hear it, but I guess that doesn't matter, it's the fact that I am able to play/compose again - and it lightend my heart. So, I'm feeling abit calmer, peaceful, ...missing my love, but it's all good. at least this part of me is still alive and in there hiding somewhere.

I'll write this here where no one knows it's me so that I won't feel like an idiot when people laugh or disbelieve.

I believe in God. Or rather, I believe in my God. I don't know if he's the one and same as any other religion so rather than offend my Lord, I choose to have a personal belief in him - one that I've seen realized time and time again.

I don't know where this belief came from. I know I believed at a very young age - perhaps it was the sunday school classes I went to when I was five. In any event, I know He exists. I see His presence in my life constantly. I have a few rules I live by when it comes to talk to God.

#1 - Do NOT ask for anything. I exist to serve - if He chooses to do me "favors" then as London Tipton would say, "Yay Me!" lol

#2 - Do what He asks. I believe we are all here for a reason. If you empty yourself and listen, sometimes you can know what you have to do.

No, I'm not a freak or a religious "nut". My belief is personal and I don't ask anyone else to share it - this is between me and my Lord. And no, I don't hear voices in my head. Yet, I believe when we listen and follow His commands, well, things can happen for us. I believe he watches over me or at least has one of his servants watching over me. Which is why I believe that things happen for a reason.

The Future...is not predetermined. yet....sometimes we can catch glimpses or know things ahead of time. I'm no seer or fortune teller but from time to time, I've been able to know things. Sometimes it's in dreams and sometimes just this total conviction that something was going to happen. I won't go into details because you probably wouldn't believe me and for all you know, I could be lying. I don't control it. I can't sit at a corner and say the next vehical that comes through here will be a red truck with two people in it. It doesn't work that way. It's more of a sudden understanding about something.

Lately though, there have been a lot of signs. I know the human mind makes connections because it wants to see patterns in random events. However, even taking that into account, there have been a lot of signs telling me to do something - too many to ignore. Yet, I am. I feel profoundly troubled by this. I'm ignoring my Lord and he is telling me very clearly what he wants me to do. No, the signs aren't anything like "Go out and kill xyz" or "Jump off a bridge" or "Buy a milkshake". But, it is clear that he wants me to do something and is trying to point me in the right direction to get my life back on track. He is trying to help me. I can't ignore them any longer or he's gonna get pissed with me. ie. rule #2.

Why do I ignore them? Because it's a painful choice I'm being asked to make. No - God doesn't force us to do anything. He gives us choices and it's up to us to decide (which is why the future is not set in stone). But, some choices, well...he really wants us to do one thing over the other. We can choose to ignore what He wants but it usually does not end well.

So, I will end up doing what he wants - it's what I knew I had to do all along but have been stalling and making excuses because I don't want to hurt someone I love very deeply. I'm going to trust though that this is for the best and that there is a greater purpose here. For that person I know I'm going to hurt is the person I was put on this earth to make sure existed (rule #2). I hope that in time she will be able to forgive me and understand. I hope that He will make sure she's ok. (hoping isn't against rule #1 btw).

Oddly, now that I have written all of this down, I feel better about what I have to do. I just had this sense of "things will be ok" and "she will be better because of this" and "she will be taken care of". ....I've got the chills now. ...Time to do what I should have done long ago.