knightblade's Blog

I read this today... http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/10/justice/canada-teen-suicide/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

About a girl who was (allegedly) raped and then committed suicide after being bullied and harassed and no criminal charges were brought against her assailants.  As to the truth of all the allegations, I know not. What I do know is there was a girl who needed to be told that she was cared about. That her life was important and that no matter what happened to her, she had so much more to look forward to.

I only wish I had come across her here to speak those words of encouragement.

I know I have several people in my circle who have struggled at times with such thoughts and to you I say: I do care. I think you are amazing and important and I would feel the world become a little darker without your presence. Each of you brings something special and significant to my life and for that you are loved and cared about. Should you ever doubt that, talk to me, ask me and I will tell you straight up what you mean to me.

Lots of hugs and love

Full Article: http://www.cnn.com/2013/03/29/us/georgia-cheating-scandal/index.html?hpt=hp_c2

Article talks about cheating in Georgia schools and how a Superintendent promoted teachers who cheated, fired those who reported cheating or refused to cheat (i.e. fix students answers on standardized test scores).

This is far more prevalent then the public even suspects. In the school in which I taught, teachers who abused students or cheated were often promoted to leadership positions. Those who spoke up or refused to go along were quickly terminated. It's a culture in our schools.

I'm not totally against standardized testing but when you tie those tests and student achievement to school funds and teacher salaries/promotions, you cultivate an atmosphere of "we need to do better or we won't get paid" -- anything goes at that point. This is the problem with politics + education. This is the problem thinking that teacher performance and Student performance should be tied together. This is the problem with how we currently fund our schools and pay our teachers.

As a teacher, you shut up, put up, and get along....or else. I'm part of the "or else" crowd....

I read this today and found it deeply provocative. Thought I would share and see what you all thought:

"On the day of judgment, God will surely scold us in these terms: 'Since you saw that on earth all is vicious and criminal why did you lose yourselves on the road of virtue? The perpetual disasters which I, God, have imposed upon the universe, how could they fail to convince you that I love only disorder? Every day I supplied you with examples of destruction, so why did you not destroy? Imbeciles! Why did you not imitate me?'

----

It is an interesting concept, is it not? Of course, the Bible argues for and against a vengeful God. These days God is a benevolent being. Yet, it wasn't so long ago that brimfire and hell were the calling cards of the Christian faith. Yet, I think this quote moves beyond that, to make you question. If God is all powerful, all knowing, would he not prevent the calamities that befall us? Why create tornadoes that destroy entire towns, Tsunamis that wipe out entire islands, earthquakes that devastate the vulnerable, plagues and sickness that bring down the weak and mighty alike, crazed gunman that kill innocent children. We could surely point and say that these are the works of the devil but wouldn't that be the same as saying the devil is more powerful; that God has no power to balance out the hand of evil?

I find especially interesting the phrase "road of virtue". We associate this phrase as meaning to live a life full of goodness and morality. Yet here, the phrase implies just the opposite.

Thoughts?

I don't get jealous easily. Frankly, I don't really understand it. Ok - so that's not completely true. I do get it. Psychologically, it's a marking of territory.  This person "BELONGS" to me. That part -- I don't get. Sure, as a Master, I am very possessive of my pets. However, that does not equate to being Jealous.

I think jealousy often is founded in insecurity about your relationship with someone. It stems from wanting the attention focused on you instead of who else may be getting it. For me, I turn it around and say "Who am I to dictate someone else's happiness?" I want the person I love to be happy. Their happiness is just as important as my own. Why can't someone show love to more than one person? Why should I feel threatened by love?

I was jealous once and I ended up ruining that relationship. Was not worth the pain/suffering/heart ache it causes.

So, can anyone help me understand this emotion a little bit better? Am I wrong for NOT being jealous? I know some people like to feel jealous over (ie, bf/gf gets jealous if they talk to someone else).

Thanks

I think everyone should read this

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/02/08/12-relationship-truths-we-often-forget/

It’s easy to make your relationships more complicated than they are.  Here are twelve simple reminders to help you keep them on course.

1. 
   All successful relationships require some work. – They don’t just happen, or maintain themselves.  They exist and thrive when the parties involved take the risk of sharing what it is that’s going on in their minds and hearts.  Open communication and honesty is the key.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)


2. 
   Most of the time you get what you put in. – If you want love, give love.  If you want friends, be friendly.  If you’d like to feel understood, try being more understanding.  It’s a simple practice that works.


3. 
   You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot in someone’s life. – Never force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they know your worth, they will create one for you.


4. 
   There is a purpose for everyone you meet. – Some people will test you, some will use you, and some will teach you; but most importantly some will bring out the best in you.  Learn to see and accept the differences between these people, and carry on accordingly.


5. 
   We all change, and that’s okay. – Our needs change with time.  When someone says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not always a bad thing.  Sometimes it just means you stopped living your life their way.  Don’t apologize for it.  Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.


6. 
   You are in full control of your own happiness. – If your relationship with yourself isn’t working, don’t expect your other relationships to be any different.  Nobody else in this world can make you happy.  It’s something you have to do on your own.  And you have to create your own happiness first before you can share it with someone else.  If you feel that it’s your partner’s fault, think again, and look within yourself to find out what piece is missing.  Your partner can never ‘complete’ you because you are already whole.  The longing for completion that you feel inside comes from being out of touch with who you are.  (Read Stumbling on Happiness.)


7. 
   Forgiving others helps YOU. – Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer.  It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.


8. 
   You can’t change people; they can only change themselves. – Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example.  If there’s a specific behavior someone you love has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t.  If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table so this person knows what you need them to do.


9. 
   Heated arguments are a waste of time. – The less time you spend arguing with the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you.  And if you happen to find yourself arguing with someone you love, don’t let your anger get the best of you.  Give yourself some time to calm down and then gently discuss the situation.  (Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)


10. 
    You are better off without some people. – When you have to start compromising yourself and your morals for the people around you, it’s probably time to change the people around you. If someone continuously mistreats you or pushes you in the wrong direction, have enough respect for yourself to walk away from them. It may hurt for a little while, but it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok, and far better off in the long run.


11. 
    Small gestures of kindness go a long way. – Honor your important relationships in some way every chance you get.  Every day you have the opportunity to make your relationship sweeter and deeper by making small gestures to show your appreciation and affection.  Remember, making one person smile can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  Your kindness and gratitude matters.


12. 
    Even the best relationships don’t last forever. – People don’t live forever.  Appreciate what you have, who loves you and who cares for you.  You’ll never know how much they mean to you until the day they are no longer beside you.  And remember, just because something doesn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.

So, this pretty much sums it up: http://www.cnn.com/2012/02/13/opinion/obeidallah-hate-valentines-day/index.html?hpt=hp_bn9

Valentine's Day...ugh.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for love. Hell, I'm a helpless romantic. I cry at sappy movies. I believe in True Love. I've had my heart broken and gone through the torments of hell for Love. But, Love is not a one day event. It is not a Sale or a Shopping Spree. Love is (forgive me ladies) not Chocolate in cute little heart shaped boxes. Love is not a ring or a diamond.

Love is that thing that happens at the least predictable moment. It is that thing that happens when you spontaneously do something, unasked for and unrequired for that person you care about because you want to make their life easier and you want them to be happy. It is walking into the mall and randomly seeing some little knick knack that may not mean anything to anyone except for the fact that your special someone once mentioned that they had something similar as a little girl or little boy. It is looking into the eyes of the person(s) you care about and saying "Hey, I fucking love you...a lot"

Yeah, I do Valentine's day because it's "expected" but there is no extra love in my heart because of it. If you think my love is dependent of the fact that I buy a gift for you on a specific day, then I'm not the person for you because love is not like that for me. Love is what I feel in my heart, not what I can pull out of my wallet.

If you are a gamer, consider buying from another retailer other than game stop:

http://consumerist.com/2011/08/gamestop-stores-ordered-to-open-deus-ex-human-boxes-and-remove-free-game-coupon.html

Summary of article: Game stop confirms that it has indeed instructed employees to open all copies of the new game Deus Ex Human Revolution and to remove the coupon for online gaming services from inside (and then sell as new).

Memo from Game Stop's Field Operations Manager Jeff Ivanoff:

"Please immediately remove and discard the On Live coupon from all the Regular PC versions of Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Our desire is not to have this coupon go to any customers after this announcement."

---
Personally, I would think this would put a big target on their head not just from irate consumers but also from hacker groups such as Anonymous.

I Love.

It's that simple. I hold great love for those I care about. I hate having to temper my feelings or emotions or "hold back" because I feel deeply about someone. I feel immense love to those who mean something to me and it's unconditional love. I don't want to place limits on my love but society says we must. F That.

I love Iron Lotus for she shares a lot of my pain. She was hurt like I was hurt and I wish I could take all that pain from her. She cares about me. She has a wonderful soul and I just want to give her lots and lots of hugs and love because damn it she needs that and deserves that.

I love LucidBlue because she is ALWAYS there for me no matter what. She has gone through things that leave me in awe of her strength. She tells me things will be alright and I believe her. She celebrates my victories and cheers me up when I'm down.

I love Verdaniel for her amazing spirit and optimism. Her faith and belief in God and how she fights to hold onto the best in life no matter what it throws at he shows me the indomitable spirit within her and it is beautiful.

I love Meagan. I do. She gave me my dreams back and made me realize that I needed to start living and experiencing life instead of letting it slip by and regretting it. She made me feel alive again. She gave me this gift of unconditional love.

I love Lady_Lin. She is a lot of what I look for in someone. She isn't everything (I doubt anyone can be everything to anyone). But I find her sexually enticing and intellectually stimulating. So much so I just want to pounce on her and protect he from the world.

I love my wife. Despite my frustrations and insecurities (a lot is not because of her but from finding my own self), I do love her. She has been my friend for nearly all my life. We do everything together - sometimes that can be a good or bad thing lol. Yet, I know I'm less without her.

I love my daughter. There is nothing I would not do for her. She is the daughter I have always wanted and dreamed of. I could no sooner leave her life than...I don't know what. It's just not happening. She needs me and I need her. It's that simple.

So, yes. I LOVE. I love many people and I if I had my way they would ALL be a part of my life forever and ever without any restrictions without any compromises. I can not choose any one above the other and I will not. You all mean so much to me and I would be less without any of you in my life.

So, Yeah, I am a Poly (polyamorous). I think that makes me stronger though. Sure, it's a bit strange in a monogamous society but dammit, this is who I am. I can not change who I am. Were I forced to pick just one person forever and ever, I don't think I would ever be truly happy. I need love in my life. I need LOTS of love in my life. I need ALL of you in my life.

LOTS OF LOVE

I tried linking this in my status but it failed. So, here is a poem DarkTruth stumbled upon and I absolutely loved it and thought it needed to be shared:

EP Link

(copied from link)....
To Love Someone You've Never Seen
by EP Member: GorgeousGolfer (http://www.experienceproject.com/about/gorgeousgolfer)

If you fall in love
With some one you've never seen
Are you a fool
Is it a dream
But if their words
Touch your heart
Do you believe
That oceans and Sky's
Can't keep love apart

If you love some one
You've never seen
Is this not love
As true as ever been
For we live in an age
Where looks rule the waves
So how refreshing
To love some one
You've read only their words
From so far away

I lay in bed
Not questioning this
For I believe
Our souls have kissed
And on that day
When our lips do too
It will be no surprise
Not to me
Maybe for you

So if you love some one
You've never seen
Be her knight
In her fairytale dreams
Slay her dragon
Set her free
And let the stars guide
Her love to thee

Every second
Of everyday
I think of her
So far away
I wonder if she's falling too
For this man
Who's love is true
From just her words
I felt these things
For her words
Are my sirocco
Beneath my wings

I always pictured myself as a strong person (even though I know inside I'm very emotional). Death has never been such that it really affects me. Everything dies. It's part of life.  I accept that. So...tonight, when I found out my cat of ten years was dying, I steeled myself. I drove home from work knowing this was the end and I tried to accept that. Thought I had. Yet, as I pulled up to the Vet's, I knew a weakness inside. I walked in the door, bravely stoic, holding back the fear and tears. I walk in the room and there is my poor kitty, lying on his side, sedated..and...I lost it. Tears just sprung forth even as I fought vainly to keep them from coming down. Here was my buddy, my best friend who would wake me up at 2am with kisses or a painful head butt into the side of my head, demanding love and attention. Here was the cat who made me bleed so much from our playful games of who is Alpha Male. Here was someone I thought of as more than just an animal...but...a companion. Even now, tears threaten to over take me...

He wasn't the nicest of cats...very grumpy, hated everyone. Pleasure actually caused him pain. Yet, that was him. It was his personality. It really defined him. He had moments of extreme love and then could instantly turn and bite you just hard enough to cause pain but not draw blood, saying, "I like you and all, but you better let me go before this gets serious." Woe to those who didn't heed his warning. =) I bear many such scars because of our battles back and forth. (Don't think I've ever shed as much blood for anyone as I have for Coda).

So, here's to a wonderful cat. Coda. I love you man. You brought laughter and pain into my life, may your soul live forever and someday come back to earth and be reborn as a lion or tiger and kick some real ass like I trained you too!!!! =D

=)

I went out ballroom dancing last night and had the opportunity to dance with this little old lady. I don't mean that offensively or mockingly. She was old, maybe about 70 and she was little, probably about 5'2".

She was the cutest thing. As I danced, I looked at her and I just thought: my god, she is rather beautiful. No, I mean it. I know right? But, the thought that I had was, wow...I wish I knew her story. I bet she has had quite the life and she must have been stunning when she was younger. I just felt that empathic touch there to know what she experienced. It was strange but it made me happy. OMG - you should have seen her dance with her partner though - swing, waltz...TANGO!!! wow. She was more graceful than most people half her age, literally.

But, that strange sense of, what is her story hit me hard. Who was this person? What life did she live that no one will ever wonder about because they glance at her on the street and just see this little old lady. If I see her again, I think I'll ask her.

...I can't believe I thought a 70 year old lady was cute and beautiful...never would have guessed it. hahahah.

It's been forever since I last dreamed of Meagan. Months at least. I thought I was finally done. I thought my last dream was THE one to end it all and start on a new course...and not having had any more dreams of her since then...I was feeling good about that. The last couple of weeks have been good ones. I've come to terms with how I felt (or so I thought). I believed I had finally put all those feelings and emotions aside. God...How wrong I was.
I was totally unprepared for this...

I'm in a group of people standing outside of some building. It looks like a school yard. We're gathered there for some "event" (but I don't know what). I look over and I see her. I see Meagan. My heart sinks. I could hear my mind (detached from the dream) say "oh no" and my heart sank...I knew what was coming...Somehow, we end up standing next to one another. Meagan is staring at me but I know I can't talk to her because of the protection order. I try to ignore her but she gets in my face. She is angry with me. I snap and say to her, "You know, just tell me one thing...was any of it true or was it all lies." (referring to all the letters and discussions we had had). She can tell that I'm thinking she's a liar, she can hear in my voice the anger and the pain I've felt. She spits at me (or tries to, it was actually quite funny because she couldn't spit) but runs off crying. I turn back to face where everyone else is facing.

Her mother comes up to me and she is ANGRY. She grabs me by the arm and hauls me over to this bench and we sit there. She says, "HOW DARE YOU! You have no idea the pain she went through for you. You have no idea of the amount of tears she shed for you. Yet, you accuse her of lying? How about you? You never even attempted to talk to her or call her or write to her. You abandoned her."

I sat in shocked silence...I abandoned her? What the fuck?! So, I respond, "I CAN'T talk to her. I'm not allowed to because of the protection order. You should know that."

"Of course you can. It gives you five minutes to talk to her" (>not sure why the dream stated five minutes<)

This is nonsense, I think. So, I show her the protection order and point out, "If I talk to her - I go to jail. If she tries to talk to me and I respond, I go to jail. If I'm anywhere near her, I go to jail....I CAN'T Talk to her...I want to...but I CAN'T."

Meagan's mom stares at the protection order, as if seeing it truly for the first time. "Wait here." She says to me and leaves.

I wait and moments later, she returns with Meagan and says to me, "I've canceled the protection order. You two can talk...but NO HUGGING. ok?"

My heart slumps because I'm looking at Meagan and just wanting to run to her, wrap my arms around her and hold her close and never ever let her go. But...this is better than nothing.  So, she and I go sit down to talk and...


....that's when I wake up. The tears are already in my eyes.

Why? Why am I continually tormented by these dreams? I didn't ask for it. I tried to analyze my dream but I couldn't. I know some would say, of course it's your desperate hope to one day talk with Meagan again. I can't deny that. I can't deny that in my heart of hearts that is my wish. Yet...this dream makes little sense to me. I mean, all my other dreams save for the one before this, she and her mother come to me and Meagan begs for me to talk to her. I can see how this dream is a variation on it but...this felt different to me. She tried to talk to me? She tried calling me? Of course those things didn't happen. But, it felt very strongly that she was holding on to hope.

Bah, who am I kidding. This is just a representation of what I hope for. I thought I WAS DONE WITH THIS! Why do you torment me with these dreams. Why do you give me this false sense of hope and love. Why do you insist on tearing open those scars and causing my heart to bled and my tears to flow. I WAS DONE.

Yet...you have just proven to me that I still love you so very much. I have to face that fact that I care for you more than any other person in this world yet the sad truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much I care about you because you don't love me in return. So, if you don't love me...then let me go. Please. Stop tormenting me. Stop barging your way into this fragile heart. Stop tearing down these walls I've made.

Please.

I can't begin to express how grateful I am to all the people who have played a role, for good or bad, in bringing me to where I am at today. I've learned much and discovered so many things about myself that I had never realized consciously. I am a different person today than I was when I first came here. I know better what I want and need in my life. I have learned more about love in the past year and a half than I had thought to exist. I've discovered I'm not alone in how I think or feel - even though I am in a very small, select group that are like me. But, that's ok, I've found I'm not alone anymore. I have friends and some of them I would think of as family even.

I've made mistakes along the way. All too often, I let my emotions, wants, and needs drive me. I'm not sure if that will ever change, I'm an emotional and intense person. It's just who I am. I believe in True Love and Happily Ever After. I believe that there is someone out there for all of us. But...I've come to realize that it is not guaranteed. Sometimes we have to pass through the fire to burn away our own failings and thus come out the other side reforged and stronger.

I have been there for many of you, holding your hand, holding you close while that fire burned you. I've watched and prayed and loved many of you, wishing I could take away that pain but also knowing that it would cheat you of your destiny. I've also stood there in the fire myself, burning, glad to have those around me there to pick me up and hold my hand when I thought I couldn't take anymore. I've discovered what true friendship is all about. It's about loving someone despite their flaws. Not being blind to them or ignoring them, but seeing those flaws and failings and accepting that person for them all the same. I've been shown more kindness than I had ever thought I deserved and know that I can never repay such a debt -- but, I don't mourn that, for, it is a good debt to have.

Life is not easy for those of us who dream. We want to believe in the best of all possible worlds and find ours decidedly lacking. Yet, that is not reason to give up on hope. It is a reason to hold on to those dreams even tighter and believe in your heart that they will come true. It is not an easy road. It is the road less traveled and it is fraught with peril. Yet, should we make it though those dark and forbooding woods, the glory that awaits on the other side is breath taking.

Love IS Important. I believe it is the most important thing in the universe. Without love, life is meaningless. But, just like any other thing worth having, you have to fight for it. And in any conflict, sometimes, you will lose. Sometimes you will be knocked down so hard you think you can never get up again. Sometimes all you want to do is lie there on the floor. But, if you do that, you truly do lose. You have to get up. You have to try again. You have to be open to love in all its forms.

So many of you, my friends, have searched and believed, like I have, that you finally found the One. The One whom you've been searching for your entire life...only to discover that it cannot be. Something else stands in the way. Either they are too afraid, have other committments, or carry emotional burdens that keep them from returning your love. Take a moment and look in the mirror. Your love is not dependent on them. Your love exists within you. It is YOUR love. The fact that they cannot return that love in no way diminishes the love you are capable of giving. It is NOT your fault that they walked away from you. It is NOT your fault that they did not love you back. It is THEIR loss for not realizing what they had in you. You are beautiful and strong and amazing and they are the fools.

Yes, it is painful to not be loved back but don't let them take away your love. keep it for it is truly yours. Some day you will find that person that will accept that love and they will return it to you a hundredfold. I know the struggle to be patient is immense once you feel what is possible. It is a drug unlike any other; that feeling of love that swells in your breast. The need to feel that same kind of love returned to us drives us. We want that more than anything else in the world. But, do not go blindly for love's light is brilliant. Be true to your heart. That is not to say, do not love. We must all have love in our lives. I know I love many of you and love some of you very dearly. It is important to love and to give freely of ourselves but always remain true to your dreams.

People will come into and out of your life. It is no sin to love them and to care for them. Sometimes those people must leave and we have to let them go. But, remember that you are better for having known them. If you are able to share some moments of happiness with them, all the better. You are better for having loved and cared. They may leave, and parting is sorrowful but it is part of life and part of growing. Our lives change, our feelings change, our needs, desires, dreams, and wants change. It is who we are and who we are meant to be. There is no evil in that. Be thankful for the time which you have had and the memories that you were able to create. That is the true beauty of life...experiences. Learning, Living, Loving.

You are all beautiful and amazing and I'm glad to have you as friends. I love you. Thank-you for everything.

Last week was my first week working in a long time. I have an hour ride in and an hour ride back. It gives me a lot of time to just sit and think. I thought many thoughts...all of them sad and painful. I was on edge a lot - very down and depressed, death on my mind.

I got to thinking: I know what it is like to be haunted, to watch everyone I know die and yet be haunted by their spirits. But, then I reversed it and thought...no, it is I who am the ghost. I am the one who has died and I can see everyone's lives going on all around me and I am powerless to be a part of them. It is such an accurate analogy. I still have a few of my students on my facebook page and they will comment on other students that I had. I watch them interact. I see my (yes my) students having ups and downs and I see their victories and want to celebrate with them and I see their defeats and want to console them and yet...I cannot. I can not interfere in their lives anymore. This is what it is like losing everyone you care for.This is what it is like, being a ghost.


I thought a lot about Meagan. I thought about what I would say to her, my final goodbye letter. I want her to read it...well...I did...(still do?)...because there are things I wish she would know and understand. But, no...that can't happen because I am dead to her as well...aren't I? I was thinking this today, because I've been accepting something difficult and it seems the fates were meant to intervene today. For, I got home and saw a comment she had made on another student's page. She usually doesn't pop up, only if a friend of a friend of a friend of hers does and she replies...anyway, her picture was of her and someone else. That clinched it. But, more than that was this realization I had come to or was coming to over the past three months or so. It is never wrong to love someone (LB made this point tonight - again, fates). It is never wrong to love someone but we cannot ask them to love us back. There's a song that got released this year and it's about us (me, and you, my friends). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmUBPzI52V4 - He sings about this girl he loves and how she says to him: "I'm changing and I need to find out what I need." He lets her go but says, "When you find you, come back to me." And, I hear these lyrics and everytime I do, I know I'm that girl. I could tell him, she's not coming back because...well...she needs to find herself...she needs something more and she just doesn't know what it is but...it's not you. This song is much like me though, my life, your life.

We love someone so much that we are willing to do anything for them. We have this unconditional love and we give and give even when it hurts us and then we give more but we don't realize that...they don't care. We are NOT the one they want. And it doesn't matter HOW much we love them, if we are not the person for them, we need to let go.

I tell myself this. I need to let go because she doesn't care for me. She doesn't love me. It hurts. It hurts to the core but I need to do this. I think the most painful part is that it makes it seem like true love is a lie. That all the stories and fairy tales were lies. There is no happily ever after. There is no reward for having kept the faith and never losing hope and never betraying that love. It is unrequited - never returned - pointless.

sigh...so, I'll write my goodbyes here. I will wrap up my memories and thoughts and place them here on this website and ask that if you ever find her...if you ever meet my Meagan, tell her I wanted to say goodbye and show her where I left my letters.

I saw this today:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39578548/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/

Seriously, this upset me...a LOT. Like, vengence anger burning upset. Like...someone needs to pay for this and I don't mean in a monetary fashion.

I reflected on why I found this upsetting and this is what I came up with.

1) Most importantly: I WOULD NEVER HAVE STOOD BY, AS A TEACHER, A MENTOR, OR A FRIEND, AND LET THIS HAPPEN. I would have done SOMETHING to help this girl and all those teachers/parents/kids who watched and said nothing and did nothing are just as guilty as those who bullied her. I can't imagine if this had been one of my music students, and by all accounts she could have been.

2) Personally, I feel like...I don't know. There's nothing I could have done. I didn't know her. I don't live near her. But...it's such a senseless, tragic waste of life and talent. She did NOT deserve this. No one deserves this. It goes back to who I am fundamentally. I would have done something to save her if I had known. Even if I didn't know her and I was a complete stranger walking by, I would have said something, done something, reached out to her and said, Hey, It'll be alright. Those kids are not worth your time. I know you feel hurt and lonely and upset but, there are other things in life besides the opinions of some shallow teenage gang who in five years will have no life and end up wasted from drug use, in prison, or dead. You on the other hand have talent and will succeed where they have failed. I would have done SOMETHING to give her hope.

3) I think deep down inside, a part of me mourns because...what if. What if she was the one I've been searching for and now she's dead? I know. it's stupid but...you never know. It's that whole: something has been taken from the world. Somewhere, someone has lost the person they were meant to be because some ignorant, shallow, teenagers decided what fun it would be to torment this poor girl and make her believe she would be better off dead. The world lost an important person today whose life would have had untold affects on those around her.

Sigh...I mourn her death and grieve for her even though I did not know her, she will be missed.

Doing my job searches today, checking out the entry-level positions in IT.

New trend: Entry-Level now equates to 1) Masters Degree or 2) BS + 2-4 years experience.

WTF?!

How does that equal entry-level. This economy sucks. You know that when companies can afford to pay people with experience and masters degrees at entry level wages.

Can I just put myself in a time capsule for the next six years or at least until sanity reasserts itself?

I dreamt of her again last night...yet, this time, not sadness after waking. I wasn't upset or angry or super emotional.

So, the dream: I can't remember where it takes place, the setting seemed irrelevant. I had an impression of a bookstore or library..hmm...maybe not irrelevant. idk. She was there. Usually, I avoid her in my dreams even though it is my dream. I always feel torn away from her. I can't talk to her. I'm not allowed to be there. Yet, this time was different. I saw her and as we looked at one another, I just went up to her and we just threw our arms around each other and held on for dear life. She was standing on my toes - kind of like you see little girls do with their fathers when they are dancing. So, I kind of carried her and as we "danced" around the room, not letting go of one another, I told her exactly what she means to me and how I felt. I told her that I will never stop loving her. That I would do anything for her and that I would die for her. I told her that she was my world and until the end of time I wouldn't stop loving her. I told her I never wanted to let her go. As I told her this, she began to cry. God, it felt so real. She cried and said she loved me but it just couldn't be - that the hurt in her heart and the abuse (?--not sure where that come from because I'm unaware of anything of that sort in her past) wouldn't let her. I didn't care though, I told her I still loved her and I would take care of her. She wouldn't let go of me..which was perfectly fine with me. So, we held one another and it felt so goddamn good. It was so realistic.

I woke from that dream feeling good for once. I also woke up with a song in my head so i quickly went and wrote down the chorus to it...the part that was playing in my mind. It's pretty. :)

But, yeah..oh yeah, lol, like all my dreams about her, her mother was there too and I reconciled with her as well. It was a good dream.