knightblade's Blog

If you are a gamer, consider buying from another retailer other than game stop:

http://consumerist.com/2011/08/gamestop-stores-ordered-to-open-deus-ex-human-boxes-and-remove-free-game-coupon.html

Summary of article: Game stop confirms that it has indeed instructed employees to open all copies of the new game Deus Ex Human Revolution and to remove the coupon for online gaming services from inside (and then sell as new).

Memo from Game Stop's Field Operations Manager Jeff Ivanoff:

"Please immediately remove and discard the On Live coupon from all the Regular PC versions of Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Our desire is not to have this coupon go to any customers after this announcement."

---
Personally, I would think this would put a big target on their head not just from irate consumers but also from hacker groups such as Anonymous.

I Love.

It's that simple. I hold great love for those I care about. I hate having to temper my feelings or emotions or "hold back" because I feel deeply about someone. I feel immense love to those who mean something to me and it's unconditional love. I don't want to place limits on my love but society says we must. F That.

I love Iron Lotus for she shares a lot of my pain. She was hurt like I was hurt and I wish I could take all that pain from her. She cares about me. She has a wonderful soul and I just want to give her lots and lots of hugs and love because damn it she needs that and deserves that.

I love LucidBlue because she is ALWAYS there for me no matter what. She has gone through things that leave me in awe of her strength. She tells me things will be alright and I believe her. She celebrates my victories and cheers me up when I'm down.

I love Verdaniel for her amazing spirit and optimism. Her faith and belief in God and how she fights to hold onto the best in life no matter what it throws at he shows me the indomitable spirit within her and it is beautiful.

I love Meagan. I do. She gave me my dreams back and made me realize that I needed to start living and experiencing life instead of letting it slip by and regretting it. She made me feel alive again. She gave me this gift of unconditional love.

I love Lady_Lin. She is a lot of what I look for in someone. She isn't everything (I doubt anyone can be everything to anyone). But I find her sexually enticing and intellectually stimulating. So much so I just want to pounce on her and protect he from the world.

I love my wife. Despite my frustrations and insecurities (a lot is not because of her but from finding my own self), I do love her. She has been my friend for nearly all my life. We do everything together - sometimes that can be a good or bad thing lol. Yet, I know I'm less without her.

I love my daughter. There is nothing I would not do for her. She is the daughter I have always wanted and dreamed of. I could no sooner leave her life than...I don't know what. It's just not happening. She needs me and I need her. It's that simple.

So, yes. I LOVE. I love many people and I if I had my way they would ALL be a part of my life forever and ever without any restrictions without any compromises. I can not choose any one above the other and I will not. You all mean so much to me and I would be less without any of you in my life.

So, Yeah, I am a Poly (polyamorous). I think that makes me stronger though. Sure, it's a bit strange in a monogamous society but dammit, this is who I am. I can not change who I am. Were I forced to pick just one person forever and ever, I don't think I would ever be truly happy. I need love in my life. I need LOTS of love in my life. I need ALL of you in my life.

LOTS OF LOVE

I tried linking this in my status but it failed. So, here is a poem DarkTruth stumbled upon and I absolutely loved it and thought it needed to be shared:

EP Link

(copied from link)....
To Love Someone You've Never Seen
by EP Member: GorgeousGolfer (http://www.experienceproject.com/about/gorgeousgolfer)

If you fall in love
With some one you've never seen
Are you a fool
Is it a dream
But if their words
Touch your heart
Do you believe
That oceans and Sky's
Can't keep love apart

If you love some one
You've never seen
Is this not love
As true as ever been
For we live in an age
Where looks rule the waves
So how refreshing
To love some one
You've read only their words
From so far away

I lay in bed
Not questioning this
For I believe
Our souls have kissed
And on that day
When our lips do too
It will be no surprise
Not to me
Maybe for you

So if you love some one
You've never seen
Be her knight
In her fairytale dreams
Slay her dragon
Set her free
And let the stars guide
Her love to thee

Every second
Of everyday
I think of her
So far away
I wonder if she's falling too
For this man
Who's love is true
From just her words
I felt these things
For her words
Are my sirocco
Beneath my wings

I always pictured myself as a strong person (even though I know inside I'm very emotional). Death has never been such that it really affects me. Everything dies. It's part of life.  I accept that. So...tonight, when I found out my cat of ten years was dying, I steeled myself. I drove home from work knowing this was the end and I tried to accept that. Thought I had. Yet, as I pulled up to the Vet's, I knew a weakness inside. I walked in the door, bravely stoic, holding back the fear and tears. I walk in the room and there is my poor kitty, lying on his side, sedated..and...I lost it. Tears just sprung forth even as I fought vainly to keep them from coming down. Here was my buddy, my best friend who would wake me up at 2am with kisses or a painful head butt into the side of my head, demanding love and attention. Here was the cat who made me bleed so much from our playful games of who is Alpha Male. Here was someone I thought of as more than just an animal...but...a companion. Even now, tears threaten to over take me...

He wasn't the nicest of cats...very grumpy, hated everyone. Pleasure actually caused him pain. Yet, that was him. It was his personality. It really defined him. He had moments of extreme love and then could instantly turn and bite you just hard enough to cause pain but not draw blood, saying, "I like you and all, but you better let me go before this gets serious." Woe to those who didn't heed his warning. =) I bear many such scars because of our battles back and forth. (Don't think I've ever shed as much blood for anyone as I have for Coda).

So, here's to a wonderful cat. Coda. I love you man. You brought laughter and pain into my life, may your soul live forever and someday come back to earth and be reborn as a lion or tiger and kick some real ass like I trained you too!!!! =D

=)

I went out ballroom dancing last night and had the opportunity to dance with this little old lady. I don't mean that offensively or mockingly. She was old, maybe about 70 and she was little, probably about 5'2".

She was the cutest thing. As I danced, I looked at her and I just thought: my god, she is rather beautiful. No, I mean it. I know right? But, the thought that I had was, wow...I wish I knew her story. I bet she has had quite the life and she must have been stunning when she was younger. I just felt that empathic touch there to know what she experienced. It was strange but it made me happy. OMG - you should have seen her dance with her partner though - swing, waltz...TANGO!!! wow. She was more graceful than most people half her age, literally.

But, that strange sense of, what is her story hit me hard. Who was this person? What life did she live that no one will ever wonder about because they glance at her on the street and just see this little old lady. If I see her again, I think I'll ask her.

...I can't believe I thought a 70 year old lady was cute and beautiful...never would have guessed it. hahahah.

It's been forever since I last dreamed of Meagan. Months at least. I thought I was finally done. I thought my last dream was THE one to end it all and start on a new course...and not having had any more dreams of her since then...I was feeling good about that. The last couple of weeks have been good ones. I've come to terms with how I felt (or so I thought). I believed I had finally put all those feelings and emotions aside. God...How wrong I was.
I was totally unprepared for this...

I'm in a group of people standing outside of some building. It looks like a school yard. We're gathered there for some "event" (but I don't know what). I look over and I see her. I see Meagan. My heart sinks. I could hear my mind (detached from the dream) say "oh no" and my heart sank...I knew what was coming...Somehow, we end up standing next to one another. Meagan is staring at me but I know I can't talk to her because of the protection order. I try to ignore her but she gets in my face. She is angry with me. I snap and say to her, "You know, just tell me one thing...was any of it true or was it all lies." (referring to all the letters and discussions we had had). She can tell that I'm thinking she's a liar, she can hear in my voice the anger and the pain I've felt. She spits at me (or tries to, it was actually quite funny because she couldn't spit) but runs off crying. I turn back to face where everyone else is facing.

Her mother comes up to me and she is ANGRY. She grabs me by the arm and hauls me over to this bench and we sit there. She says, "HOW DARE YOU! You have no idea the pain she went through for you. You have no idea of the amount of tears she shed for you. Yet, you accuse her of lying? How about you? You never even attempted to talk to her or call her or write to her. You abandoned her."

I sat in shocked silence...I abandoned her? What the fuck?! So, I respond, "I CAN'T talk to her. I'm not allowed to because of the protection order. You should know that."

"Of course you can. It gives you five minutes to talk to her" (>not sure why the dream stated five minutes<)

This is nonsense, I think. So, I show her the protection order and point out, "If I talk to her - I go to jail. If she tries to talk to me and I respond, I go to jail. If I'm anywhere near her, I go to jail....I CAN'T Talk to her...I want to...but I CAN'T."

Meagan's mom stares at the protection order, as if seeing it truly for the first time. "Wait here." She says to me and leaves.

I wait and moments later, she returns with Meagan and says to me, "I've canceled the protection order. You two can talk...but NO HUGGING. ok?"

My heart slumps because I'm looking at Meagan and just wanting to run to her, wrap my arms around her and hold her close and never ever let her go. But...this is better than nothing.  So, she and I go sit down to talk and...


....that's when I wake up. The tears are already in my eyes.

Why? Why am I continually tormented by these dreams? I didn't ask for it. I tried to analyze my dream but I couldn't. I know some would say, of course it's your desperate hope to one day talk with Meagan again. I can't deny that. I can't deny that in my heart of hearts that is my wish. Yet...this dream makes little sense to me. I mean, all my other dreams save for the one before this, she and her mother come to me and Meagan begs for me to talk to her. I can see how this dream is a variation on it but...this felt different to me. She tried to talk to me? She tried calling me? Of course those things didn't happen. But, it felt very strongly that she was holding on to hope.

Bah, who am I kidding. This is just a representation of what I hope for. I thought I WAS DONE WITH THIS! Why do you torment me with these dreams. Why do you give me this false sense of hope and love. Why do you insist on tearing open those scars and causing my heart to bled and my tears to flow. I WAS DONE.

Yet...you have just proven to me that I still love you so very much. I have to face that fact that I care for you more than any other person in this world yet the sad truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much I care about you because you don't love me in return. So, if you don't love me...then let me go. Please. Stop tormenting me. Stop barging your way into this fragile heart. Stop tearing down these walls I've made.

Please.

I can't begin to express how grateful I am to all the people who have played a role, for good or bad, in bringing me to where I am at today. I've learned much and discovered so many things about myself that I had never realized consciously. I am a different person today than I was when I first came here. I know better what I want and need in my life. I have learned more about love in the past year and a half than I had thought to exist. I've discovered I'm not alone in how I think or feel - even though I am in a very small, select group that are like me. But, that's ok, I've found I'm not alone anymore. I have friends and some of them I would think of as family even.

I've made mistakes along the way. All too often, I let my emotions, wants, and needs drive me. I'm not sure if that will ever change, I'm an emotional and intense person. It's just who I am. I believe in True Love and Happily Ever After. I believe that there is someone out there for all of us. But...I've come to realize that it is not guaranteed. Sometimes we have to pass through the fire to burn away our own failings and thus come out the other side reforged and stronger.

I have been there for many of you, holding your hand, holding you close while that fire burned you. I've watched and prayed and loved many of you, wishing I could take away that pain but also knowing that it would cheat you of your destiny. I've also stood there in the fire myself, burning, glad to have those around me there to pick me up and hold my hand when I thought I couldn't take anymore. I've discovered what true friendship is all about. It's about loving someone despite their flaws. Not being blind to them or ignoring them, but seeing those flaws and failings and accepting that person for them all the same. I've been shown more kindness than I had ever thought I deserved and know that I can never repay such a debt -- but, I don't mourn that, for, it is a good debt to have.

Life is not easy for those of us who dream. We want to believe in the best of all possible worlds and find ours decidedly lacking. Yet, that is not reason to give up on hope. It is a reason to hold on to those dreams even tighter and believe in your heart that they will come true. It is not an easy road. It is the road less traveled and it is fraught with peril. Yet, should we make it though those dark and forbooding woods, the glory that awaits on the other side is breath taking.

Love IS Important. I believe it is the most important thing in the universe. Without love, life is meaningless. But, just like any other thing worth having, you have to fight for it. And in any conflict, sometimes, you will lose. Sometimes you will be knocked down so hard you think you can never get up again. Sometimes all you want to do is lie there on the floor. But, if you do that, you truly do lose. You have to get up. You have to try again. You have to be open to love in all its forms.

So many of you, my friends, have searched and believed, like I have, that you finally found the One. The One whom you've been searching for your entire life...only to discover that it cannot be. Something else stands in the way. Either they are too afraid, have other committments, or carry emotional burdens that keep them from returning your love. Take a moment and look in the mirror. Your love is not dependent on them. Your love exists within you. It is YOUR love. The fact that they cannot return that love in no way diminishes the love you are capable of giving. It is NOT your fault that they walked away from you. It is NOT your fault that they did not love you back. It is THEIR loss for not realizing what they had in you. You are beautiful and strong and amazing and they are the fools.

Yes, it is painful to not be loved back but don't let them take away your love. keep it for it is truly yours. Some day you will find that person that will accept that love and they will return it to you a hundredfold. I know the struggle to be patient is immense once you feel what is possible. It is a drug unlike any other; that feeling of love that swells in your breast. The need to feel that same kind of love returned to us drives us. We want that more than anything else in the world. But, do not go blindly for love's light is brilliant. Be true to your heart. That is not to say, do not love. We must all have love in our lives. I know I love many of you and love some of you very dearly. It is important to love and to give freely of ourselves but always remain true to your dreams.

People will come into and out of your life. It is no sin to love them and to care for them. Sometimes those people must leave and we have to let them go. But, remember that you are better for having known them. If you are able to share some moments of happiness with them, all the better. You are better for having loved and cared. They may leave, and parting is sorrowful but it is part of life and part of growing. Our lives change, our feelings change, our needs, desires, dreams, and wants change. It is who we are and who we are meant to be. There is no evil in that. Be thankful for the time which you have had and the memories that you were able to create. That is the true beauty of life...experiences. Learning, Living, Loving.

You are all beautiful and amazing and I'm glad to have you as friends. I love you. Thank-you for everything.

Last week was my first week working in a long time. I have an hour ride in and an hour ride back. It gives me a lot of time to just sit and think. I thought many thoughts...all of them sad and painful. I was on edge a lot - very down and depressed, death on my mind.

I got to thinking: I know what it is like to be haunted, to watch everyone I know die and yet be haunted by their spirits. But, then I reversed it and thought...no, it is I who am the ghost. I am the one who has died and I can see everyone's lives going on all around me and I am powerless to be a part of them. It is such an accurate analogy. I still have a few of my students on my facebook page and they will comment on other students that I had. I watch them interact. I see my (yes my) students having ups and downs and I see their victories and want to celebrate with them and I see their defeats and want to console them and yet...I cannot. I can not interfere in their lives anymore. This is what it is like losing everyone you care for.This is what it is like, being a ghost.


I thought a lot about Meagan. I thought about what I would say to her, my final goodbye letter. I want her to read it...well...I did...(still do?)...because there are things I wish she would know and understand. But, no...that can't happen because I am dead to her as well...aren't I? I was thinking this today, because I've been accepting something difficult and it seems the fates were meant to intervene today. For, I got home and saw a comment she had made on another student's page. She usually doesn't pop up, only if a friend of a friend of a friend of hers does and she replies...anyway, her picture was of her and someone else. That clinched it. But, more than that was this realization I had come to or was coming to over the past three months or so. It is never wrong to love someone (LB made this point tonight - again, fates). It is never wrong to love someone but we cannot ask them to love us back. There's a song that got released this year and it's about us (me, and you, my friends). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmUBPzI52V4 - He sings about this girl he loves and how she says to him: "I'm changing and I need to find out what I need." He lets her go but says, "When you find you, come back to me." And, I hear these lyrics and everytime I do, I know I'm that girl. I could tell him, she's not coming back because...well...she needs to find herself...she needs something more and she just doesn't know what it is but...it's not you. This song is much like me though, my life, your life.

We love someone so much that we are willing to do anything for them. We have this unconditional love and we give and give even when it hurts us and then we give more but we don't realize that...they don't care. We are NOT the one they want. And it doesn't matter HOW much we love them, if we are not the person for them, we need to let go.

I tell myself this. I need to let go because she doesn't care for me. She doesn't love me. It hurts. It hurts to the core but I need to do this. I think the most painful part is that it makes it seem like true love is a lie. That all the stories and fairy tales were lies. There is no happily ever after. There is no reward for having kept the faith and never losing hope and never betraying that love. It is unrequited - never returned - pointless.

sigh...so, I'll write my goodbyes here. I will wrap up my memories and thoughts and place them here on this website and ask that if you ever find her...if you ever meet my Meagan, tell her I wanted to say goodbye and show her where I left my letters.

I saw this today:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39578548/ns/health-kids_and_parenting/

Seriously, this upset me...a LOT. Like, vengence anger burning upset. Like...someone needs to pay for this and I don't mean in a monetary fashion.

I reflected on why I found this upsetting and this is what I came up with.

1) Most importantly: I WOULD NEVER HAVE STOOD BY, AS A TEACHER, A MENTOR, OR A FRIEND, AND LET THIS HAPPEN. I would have done SOMETHING to help this girl and all those teachers/parents/kids who watched and said nothing and did nothing are just as guilty as those who bullied her. I can't imagine if this had been one of my music students, and by all accounts she could have been.

2) Personally, I feel like...I don't know. There's nothing I could have done. I didn't know her. I don't live near her. But...it's such a senseless, tragic waste of life and talent. She did NOT deserve this. No one deserves this. It goes back to who I am fundamentally. I would have done something to save her if I had known. Even if I didn't know her and I was a complete stranger walking by, I would have said something, done something, reached out to her and said, Hey, It'll be alright. Those kids are not worth your time. I know you feel hurt and lonely and upset but, there are other things in life besides the opinions of some shallow teenage gang who in five years will have no life and end up wasted from drug use, in prison, or dead. You on the other hand have talent and will succeed where they have failed. I would have done SOMETHING to give her hope.

3) I think deep down inside, a part of me mourns because...what if. What if she was the one I've been searching for and now she's dead? I know. it's stupid but...you never know. It's that whole: something has been taken from the world. Somewhere, someone has lost the person they were meant to be because some ignorant, shallow, teenagers decided what fun it would be to torment this poor girl and make her believe she would be better off dead. The world lost an important person today whose life would have had untold affects on those around her.

Sigh...I mourn her death and grieve for her even though I did not know her, she will be missed.

Doing my job searches today, checking out the entry-level positions in IT.

New trend: Entry-Level now equates to 1) Masters Degree or 2) BS + 2-4 years experience.

WTF?!

How does that equal entry-level. This economy sucks. You know that when companies can afford to pay people with experience and masters degrees at entry level wages.

Can I just put myself in a time capsule for the next six years or at least until sanity reasserts itself?

I dreamt of her again last night...yet, this time, not sadness after waking. I wasn't upset or angry or super emotional.

So, the dream: I can't remember where it takes place, the setting seemed irrelevant. I had an impression of a bookstore or library..hmm...maybe not irrelevant. idk. She was there. Usually, I avoid her in my dreams even though it is my dream. I always feel torn away from her. I can't talk to her. I'm not allowed to be there. Yet, this time was different. I saw her and as we looked at one another, I just went up to her and we just threw our arms around each other and held on for dear life. She was standing on my toes - kind of like you see little girls do with their fathers when they are dancing. So, I kind of carried her and as we "danced" around the room, not letting go of one another, I told her exactly what she means to me and how I felt. I told her that I will never stop loving her. That I would do anything for her and that I would die for her. I told her that she was my world and until the end of time I wouldn't stop loving her. I told her I never wanted to let her go. As I told her this, she began to cry. God, it felt so real. She cried and said she loved me but it just couldn't be - that the hurt in her heart and the abuse (?--not sure where that come from because I'm unaware of anything of that sort in her past) wouldn't let her. I didn't care though, I told her I still loved her and I would take care of her. She wouldn't let go of me..which was perfectly fine with me. So, we held one another and it felt so goddamn good. It was so realistic.

I woke from that dream feeling good for once. I also woke up with a song in my head so i quickly went and wrote down the chorus to it...the part that was playing in my mind. It's pretty. :)

But, yeah..oh yeah, lol, like all my dreams about her, her mother was there too and I reconciled with her as well. It was a good dream.

So, here I am, sitting here, watching Casablanca. God, what an awesome movie. I never get tired of watching it - seriously, like one of my favorites. lol...how many guys say that and mean it hahaha.

Anyway, I was going to write about something else, but as I watched this movie...thinking I'm gonna talk about love in my blog, I'm taken with the "dream" all the sub characters have in this movie - to escape and go to America. In America, ANYTHING can happen. In America, your dreams can come true. In America, there is no strife, no worries, your kids can grow up to be anything.

I started to think that we have forgotten this. We have forgotten, as Americans, the ideals upon which this country was founded. We have forgotten that this is a country of immigrants, that only a handful of us can actually trace our roots to native americans. This was a country where you came to in order to escape prosecution, to escape unjust rule, and to be who and what you wanted without fear of oppression or judgement.

We all know that often the dreams of immigrants are often overexaggerated. Streets paved of gold, free land, and more was promised. Yet, just because reality often did not meet the expectations of those immigrants, it didn't mean that those dreams couldn't come true. These immigrants brought more than just warm bodies to this country. They brought hopes and dreams to this country. They brought the belief that America could be anything we wanted it to be. America could do anything.

Perhaps, these days that is not so much the case. Yet, still, immigrants come to this country to seek liberty, justice, and to follow their dreams. This country was not founded by Americans. This country was founded by the Europeans, Africans, and Asians. This country was founded by people without a home. Have we forgotten what is written on one of this country's most treasured monuments?

                    Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

All things change, yet this new call to close our borders, to hunt down illegal immigrants, to denaturalize american citizens, and to destroy our constitution, can only make one wonder if this is still the America our Founding Fathers would be proud of? What would they say to hear the shouts of fearful americans yelling that we do not want people coming here? The cries that if you are a different color skin or talk with a strange accent or speak a foreign language that you are not welcome here. How close do those shouts come to the ones professed not so long ago by one dictator and would-be emporer when he pointed to anyone that was different or unlike them and said they can not be trusted and that they should be some kind of second class citizen or worse - nothing more than chattle? If you think that is too far a stretch, that I exaggerate, know that sometimes the greatest wrongs have been done with the best of intentions. That slippery slope upon which we tread is not a path of enlightenment and higher values but one paved with the stones of intolerance, hatred, fear, and anger. Are those really the stones upon which you believe we should be treading?

TS is so amazing. She's doing a live web Q&A right now. I love her music and I think she has quite the way of capturing the essence of true love. I've often thought about what it must be like for her. I mean, after all, she is no different than any of us except she has hundreds of thousands of people who love and adore her. Often times, us "ordinary" people come from a point where we have to find "the one" out of nothing. her problem is perhaps more daunting - finding one in a crowd of millions all of who claim to love her. There must be all this pressure as well to date other celebrities. Which makes sense, these are her peers and the people she now gets to hang out with. It makes sense to me that finding something normal and amazing becomes nearly impossible.

Someone just asked about her personal life and she kind of clamed up but said she definitely sings about her personal life...repeated it a couple of times.

I wish her luck in finding happiness. I can't imagine it's easy to find the love she searches for being who she is.

My friends,

I came across a profile today and as I read her stories, they brought tears to my eyes. The profile was AngelWriter. As I read her profile, I could feel her pain because it is the same pain I feel pretty much every day. It was the pain of being alone, of losing love, of not having any hope that there will ever be any happiness in your life ever again so what's the point of living. It was not believing that you are worth anyone's time and effort and wanting to shut everyone out because you can't really trust anyone. It was the pain of knowing that you can't trust anyone and always feeling like you're gonna just end up hurting the friends you do have so it's better for everyone just to stay away. It was the pain of desperately needing to find that one person in the entire world who will love you unconditionally and despairing for that ever to happen. It was needing someone's arms around you to tell you, hey, I love you and I will take care of you and I will never leave you.  I know her pain all too well and I know that as much as she is gonna want to curl in on herself and shut everyone out (because that's what I went through and still do sometimes) she needs to hear our voices and know that things will be ok.

If you have a moment, please think of her and let her know she's not alone. Thank-you, my friends.

One of my first friends on here is leaving. I should be sad and upset, but, I'm happy for her. I will miss her even though our paths have diverged. She was the only one who truly understood my struggle with my Twin Flame. She understood ever emotion, every fear, and all the hope I had. She understood what I was going through. I don't think I could have gotten through it all without her.

The reason she understood everything is because she was experiencing the same thing. I did my best to help her as well. But, she is leaving today. She isn't leaving because the pain is too much. She is leaving because she has grown. I saw it in her blog. I saw the peace, the understanding, the acceptance. She let go and accepted everything for what it was. She let go and stopped trying to change the world to fit her. God, the peace and wisdom that I saw shining through her words was luminous and overwhelming. I am so happy for her.

Finding your Twin Flame is both a gift and a curse. I don't think anyone is ever truly prepared for it and I'm beginning to wonder if TF relationships are ever meant to truly be or whether they are just meant to lift us to a higher level of being. I struggled as she did. I wanted people to understand. I wanted people to help me. I wanted peoplep to go to my Twin and say, hey, stupid, this person loves you more than his own life. He would die for you. I wanted to change the way things were and the way things had to be. I suppose I still hope that things will work out even though I've let go as much as I can. A part of me will always belong to her and a part of me hopes that someday we will be friends once again. So, I'm still working though I think I'm beginning to accept my lessons.

Anyway, my path lies in another direction than my Twin. I suppose it's ok to miss her and to still care about her but life goes on and locking yourself to the past prevents you from growing and learning. So, I'm trying and I do have hope that because of her I've been placed on a path that will lead me to where I truly belong. It may be scarey and filled with danger, but I have to believe that the end of it will be worth all the while.

So, goodbye, my friend, my heart and hopes go with you as you leave EP. I know you will find happiness and success now. Be at peace.

I've been meaning to write this for some time. I should put it in some experience so it gets mroe views but I haven't found the right group (any suggestions - after you read it). This is a rough draft so if you have input, I would love to here it.

I came here, to EP, after losing my Twin. The loss was heart breaking, beyond what I thought was even imaginable to feel. Much of that loss was caused by misunderstandings by everyone involved in what happened. Since I came here, I have met many other people who have fallen into similar situations and one of the things that they absolutely needed was to find someone who understood what they were going through. I know, at the time my Twin and I were together, I had no clue what was happening to me and I know she felt the same way. The relationship dynamic between us was so very different and unique from anything else we had ever felt. Neither one of us could explain it in a way to those around us such that they could understand. I remember one conversation with her when I told her, I needed to try to explain it. She wished me good luck. Her words were "How can you explain something which neither one of us fully understands?" I had no answer to that.

Since my loss, I have tried my best to help others who have lost their Twin. One of the things that always stands out to me is that the meeting of our Twins happens when we least expect it and often when one or both are already involved in a committed relationship. I figured it was time to try to help the other side understand what is going on a bit and hopefully, through this help the TF relationship that has started to form or has been formed.

I. This is not an affair

I think this is the most mis-understood concept of the TF relationship from an outside perspective. It is very easy to simplify the "cheating" partners action as being an affair - either physical or emotional or both. The problem with this simplification is that ignores about 50% (or more) of what the relationship truly is and means. An physical affair starts as just that. It is a physical attraction between two people. An emotional affair is one where one partner seeks support and guidance and love from an outside source because their own relationship is lacking that particular aspect. In either event, with time and nurturing and communication, both people can work on solving those problems in the current relationship.

The most important aspect of a TF relationship, which is unlike normal affairs, is that the relationship exists on a spiritual level. For a TF partner, there is an overwhelming and nearly unsurpressable urge to "be with" thier other half. This can be either physically or emotionally but is usually a combination of both. The absence of their other half is almost physically painful to them and the only thing that can ease that pain or longing is the presence of their other half. I believe the easiest way to describe this is to think of the other half as an addiction. When the two are together, it's heaven, apart they go through withdrawals. You may think that a solution to such a problem is to forbid all contact between the two in the belief that like an addiction, the body can recover. However, the analogy ends there as Time nor Distance will ever break the bond that they felt. It may diminish over time but once two twins find one another, they will never forget that moment.

You must remember that this is unlike any other experience for this person. It is called a Twin Flame relationship for a reason. To the TF partner, finding their Twin is just that. This is a person with whom they connect with on a whole new level. Much like naturally born Twins, these two individuals have a bond that exists naturally between them. Often times, there will be many things that seem to point towards the fact that these two are meant to be together. It is easy to dismiss this as coincidence or self-fullfilling prophecy, however, the fact remains that both feel this mutual desire and believe that this is meant to be. To each of these people, this is Fate. This was Meant To Be. No matter how much you want to dismiss what they believe as hocus pocus, what is important is to realize that this is not an affair. This has aspects of the divine about it.

II. Your Partner is very confused

Chances are, your partner, and their TF are very confused about what is happening. They probably have never heard the term Twin Flame before, and for that matter, most likely neither have you. It is important to remember that finding their Twin Flame was not something they did by choice. They didn't set out to go behind your back. They didn't set out to hurt you. It just happens. They will be torn between how they feel about this newly found Twin and their committment to you. It isn't their desire to hurt you but the lure of the TF relationship with all that it promises is something that is nearly impossible to resist. The TF's that I have talked to have a very strong committment to honoring their responsibilities and the people in their lives and would prefer to not have to sacrifice either. However, if given a choice, I know nearly all would choose their TF. As I get towards the end, I'll suggest ways to help with this. It is this struggle of theirs that really torments a TF. They have wordly responsibilities but this bond and mutual feeling for one another is everything that they had ever searched for.

III. The Twin Flame search

Chances are that your partner has always been searching, even subconsciously possibly. I'm not suggesting that they are on the internet, trolling dating sites prior to having found this person. More along the lines that they have always felt that there was a part of themselves that was missing or a part of themselves that they could never share with anyone. It is only with the TF that they realize that this part of them, hidden away, has always been there, waiting, hoping. Again, this adds to the spirituality of the Twin Flame relationship. You have to picture what it would be like to be an orphan and always hope that one day your parents would come find you and take you away and love you - or that you're at the grocery store and run into this person who looks a lot like you and as you talk, you come to realize that you are brothers or sisters, seperated at birth. For Twins, the common accepted spirituality is that the two people are actually two halves of one soul. Like two magnets, they will pull towards one another until they finally meet. Again, fate.

IV. TF Love

For the TF, there is no greater love than that which they feel is reciprocated from thier Twin. It is a complete and overwhelming love that is only ever dreamed about in books and movies. It is unconditional and unselfish. The only thing a TF wants more than to recieve love is to give it. A TF would gladly sacrifice themselves in order to save their Twin. What one feels, so too does the other. Even the greatest of relationships pale in comparison to the love felt between two Twins. I often compared my love to the kind of love I believe the Bible talked about when it said how God loves all his children. I often would marvel at how I felt thinking, this is what the Bible was talking about.

V. TF Resonance

Everything in a TF relationship is heightened - both the good and the bad. What one person feels, so too does the other and this applies to negative emotions as well. This is like love on crack - everything is hyped up. So much so that should something bad or upsetting happen in the relationship, whereas in a "normal" relationship it would be shrugged off or talked through, in a TF relationship it is cause of considerable worry and upset. Everything is under a magnifying glass in a TF relationship.

VI. You Reaction

I think it is good to reinforce the concept that your partner is not intentionally abandoning you for this other person that they claim is their Twin. It is of course, only natural for you to feel betrayed, jealous, upset, or angry. No one blames you for feeling that way. Afterall, you didn't sign into this relationship with the understanding that at some point in the future someone else is going to come along and sweep the rug out from under all of you. However, reacting with those emotions is a sure fire way of failing. As hard as it is to accept the fact that your partner has met someone who seems to embody everything that existed within them, it is crucial that you listen to them and remember that if he/she is capable of feeling this amount of love towards someone else, they are not at all happy with the pain they are causing you and most likely feel very guilty/upset about the situation. They need you to talk to them. They need to talk to you and try to explain to you what they are feeling.

VII. Love

Love is one of the most mis-understood concepts for being so widely felt and talked about. If they are open and honest with you about what is going on - which I expect they have been if you're reading this - how else would you know about Twin Flames, then you need to accept that they still love you even if it is not the same type of love that they feel for their Twin. Their love for you has not changed or dimished because they met their Twin. Their twin allows them to feel MORE love and to love in a completely new and different way. Take for instance a marriage. Man and Wife - fell in love. Love each other. Eventually, a child is born. Both parents fall madly in love with the child. Each parent has their own parents that they love and possibly brothers, sisters, and cousins. Each love is unique and different and in no way changes the love either one feels for one another. All of that is love. A Twin Flame relationship is no different in that concept even though it is a love unlike most ever feel in their lifetimes.

VIII. Solutions

There is no solution. Truly. Finding out that your partner has met someone that they feel is their Twin Flame can be emotionally devastating to all involved and especially to the relationship. Yet, that does not mean the relationship has to end. Much of what happens is dependent upon you and your reactions. The surest way to lose someone who has met their Twin is to work against that relationship. This can be through deciet, lies, rationalization, or through a refusal to accept how the other person feels. A TF relationship can not be rationalized for it exists spiritualy. If you want to save your relationship with your partner, the best thing you can do is to help them and support them as they work through their feelings. Do not try to impose yourself between the two Twins instead, talk with your partner to see what it is that they need from this relationship. Your partner will see you in one of two lights either as an enemy or as an ally. You will find that if you try to support this relationship that your partner will feel so immensely grateful to you. They will find new love and respect for you. In time, it is quite possible you will come to accept this relationship and it will blossom into a whole new wonderful dynamic. It is what you want to make of it though. I would leave you with this thought. True love is wanting the best for the person you love even if it means sacrificing yourself. If you truly love someone, you want to make them happy no matter the cost to yourself.


----

Like I said, rough draft. I would appreciate thoughts and ideas. This was all off the top of my head and I know it needs a lot more work and I'm sure I missed a whole bunch of stuff.

Hey all,

Just got home from a Taylor Swift concert this weekend. Wow. I got lots of thoughts to share and can't wait but unfortunately, they'll have to till tomorrow.

Hope you are all doing well. I haven't forgotten about you and I'll get responses to your emails out as soon as I can (which may not be till tomorrow)

Note to self: URGENT: write story about the other side of the twin flame relationship to help those whose partners have found their twin to try to understand.